Okay. This is it. The last post. NO fanfare, or lowering of a flag outside a marble building full of people far more important than I could ever be. This is the final post on my – let me check… – yes, four year blog.
It’s been a mixed bag and a weird few years. The most bizarre in my life.
I started writing this blog anonymously at first. I used to link the odd post to my facebook account, but I only ever had around forty virtual ‘friends’ and most of those I hadn’t seen for over twenty years. Even fewer ever read the posts anyhow. It was safe. Largely I was free to write whatever I wanted and to share the bare minimum worth sharing with people who knew/know me.
At first, I tried to remember events in my working life – prison/drug services/boxing – and just write about them with a sense of honesty, but then I entered Therapy for my long-term diagnosis of Borderline Personality disorder. I didn’t expect Therapy to have much of an impact. I was wrong. The blog moved from recollection to the bizarre as I negotiated the process of dealing with the events I experienced while growing up, and into my early adult life. I underestimated the whole thing, to be honest. I felt like a great fat blimp, being blown up beyond maximum pressure, drifting in the air waiting for some twat with an air rifle. I guess you could say the blog was a way of releasing that pressure a little. It was there when I wanted it and access was always on my terms. If I didn’t want to write, I didn’t. No commitment needed. No Editor to please. I wasn’t trying to grow a brand, sell anything, or garner attention. I didn’t want love, or approval. It just was.
And now Therapy is over. I feel different. I don’t want to become my diagnosis. I don’t believe I am the same person who started this thing. Big stuff. I’ve moved on and I feel truly happy for the first time since I can remember. It’s a dramatic shift in the narrative, but I think I’ve earned it. And I believe it’s here to stay.
I’ve been surprised at the feedback on some of the personal things I’ve written – recently especially. Some people have been brilliant, others have been ignorant and judgemental. That’s life. That’s the modern world. Some people take, others give. Some are capable of empathy, others can only wrap themselves tightly in their own circumstances.
Okay. This is it. Good luck to all: the good/bad/indifferent among you. If my blog taught me anything, it’s that an abuse-damaged child grew into a 44yr old man who finally found inner happiness and a sense of peace and hope. Who wants more than that? Not me.