Pseudo-Hallucinations et al.

Rule #1 – NEVER tell your Clinical Psychologist that you think you’ve met Jesus.


It’s raining again. Been raining for two weeks almost without stop. Nah, before there’s any talk of a depression cliche, I’m not feeling depressed. Just weird. Pseudo-Hallucinations apparently, again.

When my CPN told me that what I saw was ‘Pseudo’ I got angry: shit….you mean to say I’m making this awful stuff up or, worse, it’s not quite weird enough for you? I was wrong. Of course, as was explained to me over and over by my Clinical Psychologist, they are hallucinations which appear during moments of stress. I suppose I’ve been under some unholy stress recently.

And I don’t see hallucinations of Jesus – never have, despite asking for him several times when the tablets have been lined up, or the noose completed and tied. He never showed, and I think it’s safe to conclude now that I’m not religious. For me, the pseudo weirdness is mainly Bigfoot. That great hairy man-face staring at me from the treeline, or just a knowing [KNOWING] that he’s out there watching, waiting. But I covered all that in a previous blog post. And I don’t want to stoke that fire this morning. Anyhow, Built to Spill are on loud in the background and I am not expecting to have any drama today – gate is locked, doors are locked, curtains may get closed soon. The world is far away.

I had told my Psychologist that I thought the guy I met the other day was Spiritual. If someone had told me he was an Angel I’d have believed them, but they didn’t. All people said was “Thank god you didn’t invite him into your home and feed him.” Tough, hard sentiments from the world towards this Pilgrim I’d met in the meadow behind my house who’d spent 43 days living wild with no money, just to explore what Freedom meant. Inspirational stuff in the sunshine, but even now as the rain is coming down….yeah…I get it; you either ‘get it’ or you don’t.

“Take the blue pill,” I told my Psychologist. “And I don’t mean Viagra.”

She laughed.

“Take a look at it all: what everything is about. Then you’ll know why I thought he was Jesus..and why people disgust me.”

“Ben, are you telling me you met Jesus?”

“Maybe. Just don’t lock me up.”

She stared for a few seconds. Outside the bushes moved…




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