A Borderline Christmas

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I meant to write about the things I shouldn’t have done in my life. It was going to be a tortuous and sometimes violent list, including such lowlights as: heroin, getting married, and attacking a guy at the front of a Steven Malkmus gig. Not a lot of laughs there, but then, reading my blog must be like self-harming in a way. Speaking of which…. nah…probably best not to go down that line because I went back to the razor blade recently. Plus I’m on my own for the rest of the day and night and I’ve got access to a lot of booze and pills. Bad idea all round. Time to change the tone of this thing.

Soon enough it’s going to be Christmas.

Will that do?

I’m guessing it won’t. I have bad memories of Christmases stretching back into the 1970s. Sometimes it feels like they weren’t even the earliest ones either; I got to live this crap well before I got born this time. Cursed, I guess. Stuck with it.

“What would life be like without this?” a Psychologist once wrote on some paper and gave to me. It was the last time I saw her before she gave up being a Psychologist and went travelling. Ironic, predictive, and telling I suppose. At the time I thought that scrap of paper – pinned up in my house – was a tiny key to a big lock. It might even cancel out the reincarnation curse if I could find the answer. I haven’t worked it out yet, but I might.

Instead of what I have done, maybe it’s all about what I haven’t? I mean, I’ve worked with serial killers, addicts (been one, too), counselled rape victims with their bruises shining out at me, seen the dying, and the dead, seen violence you probably won’t ever get to see (if you’re lucky), and I’ve been involved in all of the horror of a life with BPD and too many lonely nights. These things aren’t helpful. They’ll never be helpful to anybody at any point. My partner says I’ve been in the dark too much. I think she’s right. It’s no eureka moment, but you get the idea. And so do I.

No, today is all about the love of a good woman, the little tree she got me – it’s the only Christmas decoration in my house – and the hope drawing in from tomorrow. Yes?

 

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