Peace has a price

Yes. It was me half an hour ago standing in the street offering to kick the shit out of two delivery men. I kind of want to say it was their fault – one of them mouthed something at me when he thought I wouldn’t stop and deal with it – but ultimately the thing lands with me. Their faces dropped when I came back and started shouting. They didn’t fancy the job. Luckily.

I was all ready to fight there in the street. It was pathetic. An aged Rocky carrying on like a gorilla in the winter sunshine while cars stopped and people took out their phones ready to call the cops. The men locked themselves in their van. Terrible scene.

I left and raged to myself for a while, then remembered I hadn’t had my medication. I stopped the car again and put on the radio to take a breather. They were talking about the costs of medication in the UK. I’d never considered it, I just go, present my card, then leave. So I looked it up when I got in – taking the meds first with large gulps of cheap sugar-free energy drink. I don’t drink those kinds of drinks but I figured that I couldn’t get more high.

Here are my meds and their cost to the NHS for a years worth of my dosage:

Pregabalin – £772.80p

Codeine – £59.04p

Flupentixol – £55.00p

Diazepam – £3.18p

My total yearly medication cost = £890.02p

Cheap? Expensive?

Life saving, life-affirming, comforting, numbing, safety net, painless, calm, helpers…all of them. I’d say they were worth every penny.

And now I’m going to relax as those tablets kick in and I leave the threat mode and enter the world of flat-line. No emotions for me for a couple of hours. Saved again until next time. In a while all I’ll feel is guilt, and that can lead to self-harm sometimes, but it’s less destructive to the community at large. Safer to be unsafe sometimes, weirdly.


14 thoughts on “Peace has a price

  1. First of all, I just want to commend you for taking responsibility. You started off wanting to blame the men but then owned up to your reaction. For every situation in life, we are presented with a choice. Things happen and we choose our reaction. Sometimes it’s a matter of habit, one might react in a certain manner and it becomes their auto-pilot. Other times it’s a matter of making a deliberate choice to change the momentum their auto-pilot is on. I’d like to encourage you to read a book if you’re open to it, called The Gifts of Imperfection by Brene Brown. You mentioned feeling guilt, which is often tied to shame. This book will take you on a journey of self-discovery if you’re open to going on it. In either case, I just hope that your day gets better from here and that you program your auto-pilot for the response you want to have. Sending lots of love your way!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Hi Benjamin! Hoping all is well, just wanted to check in and see if you received the book yet. If not, no worries! I haven’t started reading it yet so I just wanted to make sure you weren’t too far ahead of me!


  3. Well done on managing to remind yourself of not taking your tablets and also for having the courage to walk away from that situation ❤️

    Liked by 1 person

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