Fine music coming out of the speaker on my desk. Drizzle outside. Cold. Last night was another night of bad dreams and ominous feelings. All switchblades in the dark and a presence waiting for me at the top of the stairs. In situations like this – 3am in a dark and creaking 200yr old house – there is only one way to confront your demons: head on, and with no regard for the consequences. Make a bastard fight of it. As usual, the stairway was clear when I jerked the bedroom door open, naked, ready to face whatever was out there. Could have been the medication – might always be the medication – but I thought the place felt better, calmer, after I’d done my bit of minor heroics in the night. The vanity of fighting, and beating, something non-existent isn’t lost on me, even at my age. Pathetic.
Rain drips off of the honeysuckle in front of the window. Damp green everywhere in view. Ivy choking trees on the hillside a hundred feet away. The first baby birds of the year hide in overgrown flowerbeds, puffed up and downy, unaware of the fight in here a few hours ago. Cowslips poke through the lawn that I should have cut yesterday instead of sitting here bashing on this keyboard. I have the choice of going to the Buddhist Temple in a couple of hours, or stay sitting here drinking Lady Grey tea and being ineffectual. I haven’t been to the Temple for over a year, and my Buddhist principles have lapsed to the point where I have no compassion, calmness, and at the moment I’m eating anything that can bleed. Fuel for bad returns on my life investment. Source of the root of the thing? After all, the deal is you get out what you put in, right? Too many bad deeds builds payback.
Another cup of tea. This fucking incense stick won’t light. More bad signs from the powers that be, up there dishing out judgement and orders. This headache thumps. My pullover needs washing. The burn on my hand hurts. The World heads towards crazy Wars. Thoughts racing now. Is this my punishment? Maybe, got to be kinder to myself/others and build up the cosmic balance sheet. Inescapable Karma.